23 Aprilie 2016 prin oanamusat
Acum 12 ani mi-am promis ceva. Mi-am promis ca o sa ies din tipare. Mi-am promis ca imi voi incalca propriile limite. I-am promis ca il voi face mandru de mine, de fiica lui.
Au trecut toti acesti ani. Au trecut de parca ar fi trecut o singura secunda. E ca si cum as fi clipit si m-am trezit acum, in acest moment.
Daca inchid ochii imi aduc aminte fiecare moment petrecut alaturi de el, e ca si cum inca il pot atinge, inca ii pot vedea zambetul si privirea calda. Totul este atat de adanc impregnat in mintea mea incat e ca si cum l-as avea in continuare langa mine .
Cand mi-am promis ca o sa –l fac mandru nu am crezut ca nu o sa pot. Am spus ca o sa treaca mult mai multi ani pana sa ajung in acest punct, dar acum simt ca-mi zambeste si imi spune “ Sunt mandru de tine”.
M-am decis ca orice schimbare incepe cu mine. M-am decis ca vreau sa fac un lucru care sa conteze si l-am facut. Am strans langa mine oameni minunati si am reusit sa-i fac sa zambeasca pe cei 3 magnifici care m-au ajutat in proiectul “Constanta prin ochii autismului”.
Mi-a fost greu. Poate ca am zambit, dar o luna nu am putut sa pun capul pe perna, nu am putut sa fiu linistita si mi-am pus mii de intrebari. Am avut noroc cu cei de langa mine. Am avut noroc cu o familie care m-a sprijinit si cu prieteni care m-au batut pe umar si mi-au zis “ Cred in tine. Poti sa o faci”, dar mai ales l-am simtit pe el. Am simtit ca ma sprijina. Am simtit cum m-a ajutat sa deschid usi care pana acum mi se pareau inchise.
Nu cred in fantome si suflete ce inca dainuiesc printre noi, dar cred ca ei inca raman aici cu noi pentru ca, inima noastra ii tine inca “in brate”. Inimile noastre inca le sunt casa si nu le vor da drumul vreodata pentru ca, ei fac parte din noi.
El este parte din mine. El este in orice lucru frumos pe care il vad in viata asta. El este in rasaritul si apusul ce se asterne peste mare. El este in briza verii. El este in zambetele celor din jurul meu si mai ales, el este in fiecare colt din casa parinteasca si in imbratisarile mamei.
12 years ago I promised myself something. I promised myself that I will get out of the box. I promised myself that I will go beyond my own limits. I promised him that I will make him proud of me, his daughter.
All these years passed by. They passed by as if one second would have passed. It`s almost like I blinked and I woke up now, in this moment.
If I close my eyes I remember every moment spent with him, it`s like I can still touch him, I can still see his smile. Everything is deeply grained in my mind and it feels like I still have him here with me.
When I promised myself that I will make him proud, I never thought that I could actually do it. I told myself that, perhaps, a lot of years will pass by before I can do that, but now I feel him smiling at me and telling me “I am proud of you”.
I decided that every change starts with me. I decided that I wanted to do something that matters. I gathered around amazing people and I managed to make the 3 magnificent that helped me in “Constanta through the eyes of autism” smile.
It was hard. Maybe I smiled, but for a month I could barely sleep and I asked myself a thousand different questions. I was lucky to have great people around me. I was lucky with a family that supported me and with friends that patted me on the back telling me “I believe in you. You can do I”, but most importantly I felt him, I felt like he was supporting me I felt him helping me and how he opened doors that I thought were closed for me.
I don`t believe in ghosts or souls that are still among us, but I do believe that they stay here with us, because our hearts still hold them close. Our hearts are still their homes and won`t let them go, for, they are still a part of us.
He is a part of me. He is in every beautiful thing that I see in this lifetime. He is in the sunrises and sunsets that set onto the surface of the sea. He is in the summer breeze. He is in the smiles of those around me, and especially, he is in every corner of my childhood home and in my mother’s hugs.
Thank you for believing in me.